Grief

I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have... ~ Rev. 3:11

I am struggling with loss today. The trip to Disneyland put off the inevitable. I am grieving Dodger. I am grieving the loss of my Mom. Her physical body is still here, but her mind is gone. I am grieving the death of a lot of dreams that are normal for any mom to have. The thought of my kids being grown and gone by this time next year, while exciting on the one hand, is so very hard on the other. I am grieving relationships that are not what I thought they were or would be. I know I am to hold on to what I do have. I have been blessed with so much. I know the best antidote to this overwhelming sadness is gratitude and praise. I know the best thing I could possibly do is to have a praise-fest, even in the privacy of my personal pain. Lord would you please redeem all of this?

Rest Takes Work!

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:

   “In repentance and rest is your salvation,
   in quietness and trust is your strength,
   but you would have none of it."

- Isaiah 30:15

Here it is again...the passage I don't like. The one that says my salvation and my strength is actually in things like quietness, trust, repentance, and rest. Each of these four things independently is HUGE, but taken together, they represent an impossible wall that I feel I have to scale (there it is again...the concept that *resting* takes more work than *not* resting...) No, this doesn't fit my paradigm. Strength requires ACTION! Winning involves chasing hard after something...er...doesn't it? No, I don't like this passage. Intellectually, I know that this is truth. And I know that this truth should be allowed to define my feelings instead of the other way around. I have it backwards. I am indicted for my response...the part that says "but you would have none of it." OUCH. I wonder when I will consider the rest that God commands here and elsewhere to be a gift, rather than something to outrun?

You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’
   Therefore you will flee!
You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’
   Therefore your pursuers will be swift! 

- Isaiah 30:16

:-/

Today, I will stop fighting and start surrendering. Instead of giving the battle my best effort, I will lay down my weapons and surrender. Lord, I don't know how to *be* when I am not pursuing something, battling something, busy about something. What is it about stillness of soul, mind, and body that I resist so much? What am I afraid of? Come, Lord Jesus. Flood the empty places. I become so aware of them when I am still. It terrifies me. I am empty.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
 My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:25-26